I think I got it figured out using electrochemical means, thanks to Aditya'sAditya’s suggestion to consult Ka$K_\text{a}$ values rather than Kb$K_\text{b}$ values.
Consider these two half reactions:
$\ce{2e^- +H_2->2H^-}$ $~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~E^o=-2.25 ~V$$\ce{2e- +H2->2H-}\tag{$E^\circ=-2.25~\mathrm{V}$}$
$\ce{H_2 + 2H_2O -> 2H_3O^+ + 2e^-}$ $~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~E^o=0.00~V$$\ce{H2 + 2H2O -> 2H3O+ + 2e-}\tag{$E^\circ=0.00~\mathrm{V}$}$
Coupling these two half reactions results in:
$\ce{2H_2 +2H_2O ->2H_3 O^+ +2H^- }$ $~~~~~~~~~~~~~E^o=-2.25~V$$\ce{2H2 +2H2O ->2H3O+ +2H- }\tag{$E^\circ=-2.25~\mathrm{V}$}$
Application of the Nernst equation can help us find an equilibrium constant for this reaction.
$ΔG^o = -nFE^o = -(2~e^-)(96,500~ C/mol)(-2.25~V) = +434,250$$\Delta G^\circ = -nFE^\circ = -(2)(96\,500~\mathrm{C/mol})(-2.25~\mathrm{V}) = +434\,250~\mathrm{J/mol}$
Value makes sense; we'dwe’d expect the reaction of hydrogen gas as an acid with water to be highly disfavorable.
$ΔG^o = -RTlnK=-(8.31~J/(mol*K))(298~K)lnK=+434,250$$\Delta G^\circ = -RT\ln K=-\left(8.31~\mathrm{J/(mol\cdot K)}\right)(298~\mathrm{K})\ln K=+434\,250~\mathrm{J/mol}$
$K = 6.97464*10^{-77}$$K = 6.97464\times10^{-77}$
Now, this K$K$ correspond to this equilibrium:
$\ce{2H_2 +2H_2O ->2H_3 O^+ +2H^- }$$\ce{2H2 +2H2O ->2H3O+ +2H- }$
So we must take the square root of the found equilibrium constant to generate a value for $\ce{K_a(H2)}$ $= 8.35*10^{-39}$$K_\text{a}(\ce{H2})= 8.35\times10^{-39}$.
And finally this lines up well with Aditya'sAditya’s finding that the pKa$\mathrm{p}K_\text{a}$ of H2$\ce{H2}$ is 35; the -log−log of the above Ka$K_\text{a}$ value I found is 38. Nice.